I have been absent. We have had a crazy busy month, and Jesse is coming off of working two weeks of nights in the ER. I don’t know why I am tired and out of whack when he is the one staying awake all night and trying to sleep during the day, but I am. I have a couple of DIY projects we have been doing in between sleeping and working and playing with friends and family, a re-cap of our 30th birthday getaway to San Francisco and Sonoma and a book review coming up, but I just read this post today and HAD to share.
I can second the truths about being “paper pregnant.” Crib or bed, we don’t know. Vacations next year, well we’ll see. I have several sets of 2T and 3T PJ’s and shirts, bought on clearance of course. A few pair of Toms bought way to big, because they might not have that style out when our babies get home. Honestly I have tried to cut down on my need to dress our children before they are home and I have started collecting books at thrift stores (for $1 or less) for a fun little project we have in mind for the nursery that will be great for all ages. Thanks Dad for finding the “key” to this project! Jesse got matchbox cars in his Easter basket after he mentioned the other day that we are going to need “lots” of cars (even though we don’t know gender yet). Paper pregnant.
The thing is, the process, our adoption, our paper pregnancy is filled with more joy than I have ever known. It is stretching me. It is an emotional roller coaster, but I am relying (sometimes being forced to rely) on the Lord and as a result feel such a sweet closeness to Him that I am so thankful for. And our marriage, I could go on and on about how we are growing together, how sweet of a time this has been for us. Waiting in anticipation, hopeful, together. So go read the post for an insight to paper pregnancy. And be in prayer for those mamas out there that are paper pregnant, pray for our hearts, for our children who are not known to us, but our without a doubt known to Him, and pray our kids home!
While you are at it, donate a $1 to the Give1Save1Family of the week and be part of the legacy in bringing that child home!
I hit a jackpot estate sale on Friday/Sunday. It was definitely one of my all time favorites, there were so many vintage and handmade items that I could have purchased a lot more than I did. Luckily I had $20 of Christmas money still in my wallet on Friday when I stopped in. These are a few things I scored.
These pillowcases are my favorite. I can’t decide whether to frame them, or to use them.
All the dresses were $2, plus she threw in a few when I ran out of money. My mom went back Saturday and got me the apron in the middle that I ran out of money for on Friday.I am planning on using a few of these to make patterns to create some of my own dresses with a few of Jesse’s old shirts.
Sunday, they had 50% off of everything. So the beautiful sewing machine I saw Friday and my mom saw Saturday, came to my house for, well free, because by that time I didn’t have any cash and my mom was preparedAs a bonus, I scored a bunch of wooden spools, lace, and hankies that were in the bag with the motor for the sewing machine.
Jesse and I are thinking about spicing up our living room. I kind of want to paint it bright white and then add some color, different photos, etc to the walls. The only problem with white is we would have to repaint our fireplace and that seems like a lot of work so we are still thinking about options. I think the sewing machine will be finding a home in the living room though!
I asked Jesse this week if I could run away, actually I think I told him multiple times that I was going to run away, that I needed a break from the busyness and waiting, from work and stress that has been slowly overcoming me. He told me I could run away if he could come with me. He is a good husband.
Despite the fact that I have been a complete terror this week, he still wants to come. He still loves me and serves me and sees me as beautiful and worthy of running away with (and living with on a daily basis). What is better is that the minute I wrote that sentence (despite … he still wants to come), I realize that Jesus sees me like that too.
I have been trying to escape, I have felt like a dark cloud has settled over my head, and I have been bitter and unloving and selfish and whiny and I am a little surprised that my friends and family and husband are still talking to me. I have just wanted to crawl in bed and not come out, to avoid people and life. I am struggling. I am struggling that I will be 30 in two weeks and will still be waiting to become a mom. The un-met expectations are probably the hardest. But in it all, Jesse is being the hands and feet of Jesus. He is loving me and calling me beautiful, telling me who I am in Christ, despite my failures and struggles and sadness over lost expectations.
What I am realizing is that I need to be in this world but of this world, I need to be sitting at the feet of Jesus, Jesus is calling me closer to himself and I haven’t been listening. He is covering me in his grace, and I have been attempting to run away instead of running to him. While I have been trying to do it on my own, to control the situation and figure out how to make it work, He is pointing me back towards himself. And although I don’t necessarily feel completely out of the darkness, I know where I need to be going, to be running. I need to be praying more, reaching out to Jesus. I read this morning on twitter that “Satan wants bitter, burned-out, frustrated, tired leaders who don’t have time for prayer.” It is so true, because that is how I have felt all week, bitter and burned-out, with no words to pray. I am thankful for those that are praying for me and for the Holy Spirit, standing in the gap, interceding on my behalf, encouraging me.
Today, I am thankful for new “plans”, a much-needed getaway that we are blessed to be taking, a respite. Thankful for my mom & Ron, who just booked our tickets to California, so Jesse and I can “run-away” together and celebrate our 30th birthdays (Jesse and I turn 30 within 10 days of each other in March) in San Francisco and the wine country. Today, I am thankful for this time with Jesse, when we can focus on our marriage and each-other, when we can decide to “run-away” for a long weekend together. I am thankful for my husband that serves me so well. I am thankful for family that listens and blesses more than we could ever deserve. I am thankful for friends, family and my husband, that still love me, even when I am not very nice. I am thankful for Siri, who told me that “she tries to be satisfied with what she has” when I accidentally asked her if she wanted to go to California when I was trying to use her to send a text Jesse. Dang robot, putting me in my place. I am thankful for the ability to laugh about that robot with Ron at lunch a few days later. I need to count my blessings instead of what I think I don’t have, I am thankful for the gentle reminder that I have so many blessing for which to be thankful.
Our first trip to the wine country together in 2011. Can't wait to be back.
I know that when our kids our home, when our adoption is finalized, and when we continue to grow our family, whether that is through more adoptions or biological children (hopefully both) that I will look back on this time and be thankful. I am confidant that I will look back and say, God’s timing was perfect, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. But until then, I need reminders and I need prayer because sometimes I forget. I am being sanctified, being made to look more like Jesus and it it isn’t easy, it is messy and tough. Pray for my heart, for my time with Jesus and for reminders that my ultimate joy is not in things of this world, but is in Christ.
Jesse and I are laying low for Valentine’s Day. In fact, I think we are celebrating with Taco Tuesday for dinner at the house. Does that make us old and lame?
We had a crazy weekend. Lots of shoots, time with friends, and driving. I am not sure I am recovered.
We also had dinner with the Smiths on Saturday. The Smiths are walking in front of us on their second adoption journey and are currently waiting for their referrals for two little ones as well. They share our heart for adoption and Uganda and we are so thankful to call them friends. They are one of the first families we met on our adoption journey and we can’t wait to see what the Lord does with our friendship. We spent 3 hours at Twisted Root, chatting about the future, adoption, minivans and life. It was refreshing for us to be able to stop and just hang out in the middle of the craziness. We realized we needed to download Mickey Mouse episodes on our iphone’s too. One of our favorite 3 year olds was very perplexed about why we had no videos. I remedied the situation for next time and downloaded Fraggle Rock. I am not sure if that will live up to Mickey, but we’ll see.
And I brought a little Valentine’s gift for B’s mama. I couldn’t help myself when I saw the tutorial. I mean clothes are really for the mamas, right? Here is B rockin his shirt on V-Day. He is going to be a great big brother, isn’t he handsome?
This shirt is super simple to make and so fun and cute. I used an American Apparel grey track tee and red fabric and stitching. Check out the DIY Mustache Love tutorial found on Finley and Oliver’s blog. She has made it so easy to download the lettering and the tutorial is easy to follow. I did change it up a bit by using red fabric instead of felt and by using my sewing machine to stitch around the letters instead of stitching them by hand. I have a stash of heavy duty wonder-under that I use for the fusible interfacing on my Twenty 9 Freckles gear, so I used that instead of Heat n Bond as well, but they all have the same effect. Jesse actually said he wanted me to make him one. These would be perfect Valentine, or everyday shirts, for the little or big people in your life.
Go out and buy this book immediately, download it on your kindle, your iphone, or whatever device you have, it is wonderful, inspirational, and a kick in the butt all at once. It is perfect.
I watched a trailer for this book a couple of weeks before Christmas and it magically got delivered to my kindle as a Christmas gift. I am actually reading it for the second time now, as I feel that I need to go back and soak it in.
Katie was a high school girl that felt called to teach in Uganda. She followed Jesus, despite the world telling her she was crazy. She is an amazing women of God and her testament, the gospel playing out in her life for all to see is truly amazing. It is inspirational and it frankly makes me want to “quit life” as I know it and do something crazy and radical for Jesus. What is holding me back. I don’t know because I can do it here, in my home in Dallas, without actually “quitting life” I just haven’t. This book inspired me though, it made me want more of Jesus, to live out the Gospel better, more actively in my life now.
Even so, I asked Jesse last night if we could move to Africa, he said “no, not right now.” Jesse’s answer to my question about moving to Africa was well thought out and spoken as a leader of our family. It didn’t seem as if he thought I was totally crazy when I asked him this, even though I asked half-jokingly/half-serious. I expected him to say “sure” or “are you crazy” and laugh, but he took my question seriously, hmmm, something to ponder.
I have this idea that somehow if we quit our lives here and just go somewhere else, we will start fresh, living for Jesus and not getting caught up in things/thoughts/desires that in the big picture are trivial and needless. My heart says “don’t care about those silly things” or things that are truly first world problems, but then I find myself worrying about how we are going to fit, hopefully a bunch of kids into our two bedroom one bath house without building an addition because we don’t want to move. First world problems right there, I am guilty. I am sure there is a balance but I haven’t found it yet. I have convinced myself that if we moved to Africa I wouldn’t worry about those things, I would be able to just stop all of the busyness that is going on here and focus on Jesus, Jesus and my family. In reality, I am sure that is not true, my sinful heart will find other things to worry about. Katie’s story, Jesse’s answer, the Created for Care conference, my heart, are all telling me that I need to do a better job of living out the gospel where I am. As off track as that rambling was, I thought a lot about where our priorities are when I read this book.
Kisses From Katie is real. It is full of joy, happiness, sorrow and tears. It is full of scripture and truth. Katie also started a ministry in Uganda called Amazima that she talks about in her book. Read it. It is worth it.
I loved reading about Uganda and Katie and her family’s work there, because soon Uganda will be a part of our family’s heritage as well. I can’t wait to be there, to put my feet on the Ugandan ground and to meet our children.
Here are a couple of quotes from the book that really spoke to me as Jesse and I have experienced this in the last year, sorrow that is joyous. Good through Him. Jesse told someone the other day that we have been sanctified more in the last year than ever before in our lives. And it is true, though I expect a lot more of that to come in the years ahead. As I continually stumble and fall and have to lay my life, my desires and dreams down in front of Christ again and again and trust in his plan. The funny thing is that looking back, I wouldn’t trade the last year, I wouldn’t go back and ask for a do-over, to make it easier or less painful, because the joy I have experienced, the reliance on self that I have been forced to give up, the realization that Jesus has to be enough and the longing for more of Him has been worth it. My journey next to Katie’s seems to pale in comparison, and I will say that although I can’t imagine what Katie is going through when she writes these words, they are full of wisdom and grace and truth.
“And for a brief moment I wonder how God can be good when babies starve and people die cold and alone and children are ripped from their mothers. But only for a moment. Because then I look around and I know that I am nothing without Him. That none of this, none of this life I have would exist without Him. ‘Surely just as I have intended so it has happened and just as I have planned so it will stand,’ He says in Isaiah 14:24. My good God gives only good things; He planned this and He will use this. in Him, even sorrow is Joy. “
“I have learned along my journey that if I really want to follow Jesus, I will go to the hard places. Being a Christ follower means being acquainted with sorrow. We must know sorrow to be able to fully appreciate joy. Joy costs pain, but the pain is worth it. After all, the murder had to take place before the resurrection.” I’ll be honest: The hard places can seem unberable. It’s dark and it’s scary, and even though I know God said He will never leave or forsake me, sometimes it’s so dark that I just can’t see Him. But then the most incredible thing happens: God takes me by the hand and walks me straight out of the hard place and into the beauty on the other side. He whispers to me to be thankful, that even this will be for His good. It takes awhile sometimes, coming out of the dark place. Sometimes God and I come out into a desert and he has to carry me through that too. Sometimes I slip a lot on the way out and He has to keep coming back to get me. Always, on the other side is something beautiful, because He has used the hard place to increase my sense of urgency and to align my desires with His. I realize that it was there that He was closest to me, even when I didn’t see Him. I realize that the hard places are good because it is there that I gained more wisdom, and through wisdom comes sorrow, on the other side of sorrow is joy. And a funny thing happens when I realize this: I want to go the hard place again. Again and again and again”
Sarah Ganger -I have been on the waitlist for this book at our public library, and I finally got the notice that it is my turn! I can’t wait to pick it up and start reading it! Looking forward to seeing you next weekend!
As many of you may know, adoption expenses are steep, but we believe God has called us to grow our family through adoption at this time. If you would like to contribute to our financial goal, we would very much appreciate any and all support you would like to give.
All donations will go directly to cover our adoption expenses. We are so thankful to be on this journey with you.
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As a bonus, I scored a bunch of wooden spools, lace, and hankies that were in the bag with the motor for the sewing machine.
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